He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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