he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I licked your asshole in confidence.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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