Don't make out with my wife yet
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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