the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
