we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
