I'm laying in your front yard are you home
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
