Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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