What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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