Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
