you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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