i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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