I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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