If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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