Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i came on her dog
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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