I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
