I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
