Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
