Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
