Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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