I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
