cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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