I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
