I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
