i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
