Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
my god I love twenty year old dicks
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
