quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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