it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
