he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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