I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
