your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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