I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
