easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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