separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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