I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
