my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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