even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
