I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
