then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
This is my life. Enjoy the view
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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