He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
