she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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