I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
