Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
