I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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