Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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