My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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