the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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