I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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