dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
