Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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