Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
