The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
