I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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