I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
