i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
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