I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
