I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
