I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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